NBC is currently on fire with extra retardedness and though rain was forecasted for over a week, they decided not to tent the red carpet. Niiiice. Morons.
So, let's get going:
Amy Poehler & Will Arnett:Who cares what they're wearing? They're so cute! Actually, I totally love her dress. It's one of the only nice red dresses I've seen this year. It's the right colour, not too tomato-y...his face, on the other hand, is the wrong color. Orange is a bit ridiculous, no? Especially next to the red dress.
But at least they're dry. And SO cute.
Amy Adams:I really do not love this dress. People said how cute she is because she's pregnant and this is what she's wearing. Uh, pregnancy doesn't allow you to dress hideously. Nor does it give you a pass card on always wearing green. TO EVERYTHING.
Those shoes are fabulous though.
Anna Paquin & Stephen Moyer:The dress is STUNNING. If not my very favourite of the evening, it's in the top 3. I'll make my decision at the end...The sleeve is refreshing, the neckline is lovely, and the gold is fan-f%&$ing-tastic. I'm sure it weighs a bajillion (technical term) pounds, but it's worth every bead of sweat.
What is not awesome? Her goddam Wal-Mart circa 1998 crochet espadrilles. GAHHHH. Lainey said it best and showed it best - enjoy. Or barf. I did.
Anna Kendrick:For such a young, vibrant person, this dress is really not young and vibrant. It's very Southern belle at the ball. Too much so. She could have worn something sassy and brightly coloured...and much, much less frilly. Yeesh.
Cameron Diaz:This dress is awful. The short sleeve is ill-placed (unlike Anna Paquin's perfect cap sleeve) that cowl neck is VILE. It makes me want to barf and eat crumby bread into it so it can be easily cleaned up later. Gahh.
The color makes it much, much worse. It's that awful tomato red I was mentioning above (Amy Poehler). It's the wrong red. On the worst person.
God I hate Cameron Diaz.
Carey Mulligan:This girl is quite the cutie patootie. I want to pinch her cheeks and read her a book. There has been much talk about the level of her boobage in it, but I don't hate it. It's better than having implants jammed into your collar bones (ahem, Mariah Carey).
The dress is gorge. I love the navy/black. I love the overlay. It's gorge. And it looks amazing with her hair. Love it.
Chloe Sevigny:As most of you know very well, I hate Chloe Sevigny. She is so irritating. An example of such annoyingness is that there was not one picture of her smiling on the red carpet. It was all prune face/lip pursing crap. I'm sure it was that hideous dress making her make that face. It looks like something Dame Edna would wear. Blech.
Congratulations on the win though...gotta respect the statue. Just because I don't like her, doesn't mean no one should.
Christina Aguilera & Cher:Ha ha. This picture makes me laugh and laugh. So big and so little. So dark and so light. It's a study in contrasts...Cher is this tall, fantastic, kooky being...in what looks to be a reject from the Elvira collection. In VELVET. Come on!
C-Ag's dress is like a fake nip slip and the glittery part of the bodice is extra awful. Not to mention I'm not loving the new haircut. It's a little too cutesy/severe for her.
Love Cher. She is so fabulous.
Christina Hendricks:I had Peaches 'n' Cream Barbie. It was one of my favourites. It was fluttery and pretty and feminine and everything I wasn't. Christina Hendricks is everything I'm not...aside from my slight inclination toward strawberry blonde. She is curvy, buxom, and fabulous.
She should win an award for pulling off the very hard to wear blush/peach colour on such beautiful porcelain skin. Damn. That trend has been out here for a couple of seasons and it hasn't gone past high-end because it's so rough on the wearer.
Gorgeous.
Courtney Cox:So many jokes about her upper lip. SO MANY. Even the note that it's worse than Nicole Kidman's. That's quite a statement. We all know Nicole Kidman is frozen beyond humanity.
Whereas Courtney Cox seems to be ageing well...or doing something well, that upper lip has been bothering me since the last couple of seasons of 'Friends' when she started doing it. It's too much.
Know what else is too much? Boring black dresses. Come on.
David Duchovny & Téa Leoni:I love her expression in this picture. A) She looks like she's going to barf, B) she's holding her stomach as if she just got out of a New York cab going from Soho to midtown at rush hour. It's nice that they're back together. For the kids. It would have been even nicer if she hadn't attempted to pull a Sharon Stone by wearing a man's shirt tucked into a formal skirt. Yeesh. He makes me laugh on 'Californication' though. That show is great.
Diane Kruger & Joshua Jackson:I don't care for this dress. I just don't. It's just too column-y at the bottom for the ruffly-ness of the top. I also loathe the colour. It makes me want to barf.
How cute is Joshua Jackson though?
Drew Barrymore:Beaded worm. That's all I can think of. That weird stuff at her shoulder and waist is really conjuring images of a disgusting worm wrapping around her body. And I hate the colour. Where Christina Hendricks did it right, Drew Barrymore looks like her dress took 87 showers and the dye has run down the drain away from the abomination that is that beaded worm. Ick.
Emily Blunt & John Krasinski:Here's that blush color again...done right. Done lovely. I love her hair, it's the perfect accompaniment to that dress. It unfusses the dress. The bracelets and the clutch are also lovely. I think I might have a crush on her since 'The Devil Wears Prada'...and I like their coupledom. They look genuine. It's cute.
Fergie & Josh Duhamel:Um. What budget-ass JC Penney did she get that dress from? And I heard some crap like people thinking she had one of the best of the night. Um. WHAT? It looks like it comes from the homecoming section...or worse...Windsor Fashions!!! Gahh.
It never fails that I think she's a dude in a dress. Yuck.
George Clooney & Elisabetta Canalis:I'm actually watching 'Up in the Air' as I type this. So far I'm not sper impressed. I read the book first, which is always a bad move. No movie is as good as the book. Ever. My next read is 'The Lovely Bones'...because I'm sure Mark Wahlbery ruined the movie, I've decided to read it.
What the hell was I talking about?
That Elisabetta is some gorgeous creature, right? She's hot. Too young for him, by a lot, but still hot. The dress is a little skanky combined with that tattoo...but this is another version of blush done right. Very nice.
Seriously. Laser off that tattoo though. It's fug.
Gerard Butler:Why do I want to hit him so badly here? Like, I want to kick him or something. He looks so smug. Apparently he told of Billy Bush because he was made to wait through the commercial break. Uh. Who are you? Get over yourself perv.
Ginnifer Goodwin:Stop being so cutesy, dimply, imp-like, elven, etc, etc, etc. You make me want to stab you with an umbrella. Ella. Ella.
Can someone please explain to me why I hate her so? Seriously. Please?
Heidi Klum & Seal:Isn't she lovely? I think I want her to by my friend. I think she would be super fun to have around at, say, a bachelorette party.
Oh, but not if she wore that dress and/or arrived with that garbage posture. Ew.
Hugh Laurie:His eyes. Come on.
January Jones:THAT is your hair? While I do understand that it's raining and that humidity is a bitch, that is not an excuse for a shite hairdo like that. Come on.
That dress is a hot mess too. It makes me sleepy. It makes me sleepy and murdery. Not necessarily in that order.
Jenna Fischer:Why can't she dress? This is a beaded peasant skirt. A BEADED PEASANT SKIRT. It's not a dress fit for an awards show. This is a mess. She's cute with the umbrella though.
Jennifer Morrison:That is some ugly dress. Damn! It's all toilet paper and broken dreams. Gross. Here, ladies and gents, is another example of blush done wrong. Yuck. You know what else is yuck? Her hair. And her make-up. And while I'm not encouraging anyone to bathe in Cheeto dust like Lindsay Lohan...a little bronzer or at least some blush wouldn't have killed her.
Jennifer Aniston:I want to love her so badly. So, so badly. But she keeps wearing black, or neutrals, or other neutrals and I want to take her by her gorgeous hair and drag her to Etro or Nicole Miller or Carolina Herrera so the woman could put some colour on her body. Goddamn.
That's some bod though. Hey Zeus.
Jennifer Garner:Apparently People.com voted her half-up/half-down fuzz ball of a hair-do as the best hair of the night. Really? That's actually what mine looked like after my workout this afternoon.
Also, does anyone else find it boring that she found the only gown with stripes on it? STRIPES. God. Why is she the worst? It constantly blows my mind that she's married to Ben Affleck. The stripper chaser. Jeez.
Julia Roberts:Short dress (sorry for my lame picture)...really casual outfit that I would wear for for. For real. Ok, yes, I work in fashion, but still...it's essentially a wrap dress, no? It's a little lax. Apparently Julia was wastoo even on the red carpet and was quite ridiculous. Made some insulting insinuation that one of the NBC reporters didn't exist. Tee hee. I love snubs like that. That's why everyone in the blog-o-sphere is writing "Who's Natalie?" today...that's what she asked.
Juliana Marguiles:She won for some show she has. I think I like that dress, but I'm not sure. I wouldn't call it ugly, but I can't really see it and it's striking me as bland. Especially the bottom. Too long and too drapey.
Plus, I find her annoying.
Julianne Moore:I'm not loving this dress...mostly because the front looks like a vagina...or something. The seam is really off putting. Oh, did I mention that horrific neckline? It makes her shoulders look depressed. I don't like it. I just don't like it. Oh, and stay away from my boyfriend Tom Ford.
Kate Hudson:Wasn't it nice of Kate Hudson to wear a wedding gown and white hooker heels to the Golden Globes. She strikes me as one of those annoying girls whose hips are always cocked when there are men around because they're always on display.
I wouldn't like her in real life and I really don't like her at the Golden Globes either. Skeeze.
Lea Michele:Bad dress. Bad. Too big! You're too voluminous and too much! You're a teenager on TV...that dress is too severe and too major (not in the awesome Posh way) for such a little person (in stature and star power)...it doesn't work.
Maggie Gyllenhall:There is a lot of back and forth about this dress today. My first comment would be that I hate the fabric/color/iridescence. Hate it. The cut is interesting, especially for her because I find she makes awful choices and often looks frumpy.
Her shoulders are back too. She never has her shoulders back. She's always curved at the spine and schlumpy and if this is the garment that gives her a straight back, then this is a wonderful dress. In another colour. And less iridescent.
Maria Menounos:TOO MUCH MARIA, TOO MUCH. YOU'RE ON AN ENTERTAINMENT TV SHOW, YOU ARE NOT WINNING AN OSCAR.
Even if she did win something it would be for her hair. That's the only good thing on her because her bone structure is really too exaggerated. It's freakish.
Mariah Carey:Wow. Those are definitely boobs. And that is definitely some form of liquid shimmer smeared all over her. It's almost like a sweaty sheen all over her. And there she is jammed into that bandage dress like she's a size 4. When she's not.
But isn't she ridiculously fantastic? How can you not love her?
Marion Cotillard:What a pretty lady. And though I'm one of few, I really like this dress. The colour is original and the cut is lovely and the satin isn't wrinkled....the only thing I don't love is that lace thingy, but it's an easy fix.
Doesn't she look lovely? I think she and I should be friends. We could speak french and she could be pretty...We could hang out. Or something.
Mike Tyson:I have only one thing to say - I find it disturbing that he's holding onto his
Neil Patrick Harris:Could he be cuter? That's his boyfriend with him. I wish I'd taken the time to learn his name so that I could care more. Who cares? They're cute. I love NPH. He's so delightful.
Nicole Kidman:Blush done wrong again friends. She can keep it up with that actual red hair though. I love that. Also, not that she can help it but she's way too tall.
Olivia Wilde:Is there something wrong with me? I like this dress. A lot.
Is it the disco factor? Hee hee. I have an illness.
Penelope Cruz:I don't care for this dress. It's too Mexican diva for me. AND she's too tan. AND I don't like her hair. And I'm tired of seeing her in the same f-ing gowns all the time.
Enough with her. OFF WITH HER HEAD!
Rose Byrne:Who?
Seriously. Who? The dress is very ok. Just ok. Exceedingly ok. Her hair is very 3rd grade.
Who?
Sandra Bullock:She has taken a lot of flack for this dress, but I quite like it. I like the bright colour, I like the texture and I like the assembly with the hair-do.
I like it. Ok? Judge me if you will, but I like it.
Tina Fey:Her dress looks like one of the umbrellas being sported over people's heads. It's not good. Especially the length. It's as if one of the teacups from the Teacup Ride at Disney decided to get up and go to the Golden Globes all over Tina Fey.
Tom Ford:Hey! LADY! Get off of my boyfriend.
2 days in a row of Tom Ford. Happiness to all of us.
Zoe Saldana:Dramatic color, dramatic dress. Really bad hair. REALLY.
She's really cute but she needs to get a new scalp. The scalp is ruining this for me. The dress is a little too heavy, but the colour is very lovely and very magical and rich. More people should try rich and less should try blush.
Well, that's it. I feel better now. Can't wait for the next award show....and this time I'll watch it. Promise.
Hurray for award season!
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